


Let Him Go

by kierathefangirl



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Fluff, High School AU, M/M, Music, OC families - Freeform, Song Writer!Romano
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 11:28:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierathefangirl/pseuds/kierathefangirl
Summary: Lovi realizes what losing Toni means (and what Toni means to him) and tries to find out how to express this before it's too late.





	1. Cheesy Is The New Normal

**Author's Note:**

> First-person POV. Perspective identified bold-italic between two squiggly lines (~~) in the center before the chapter starts.
> 
> This started when my boyfriend and I were apart for a few months due to a real fall-out. The cliches (lost color, specifically) are what actually happened to me, and the fear of getting too attached. The rest is inspired from that situation.
> 
> Credits for all songs used go to their original owners. Lovi sings a male version ("him") of "Let Her Go" by Passenger, and for the purposes of the story he wrote it. I'm thinking of also using "All I Know" by Beth Crowley later on.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi contemplates how best to get across to Toni what he's feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on a true story. This is more personal than most of my other stories because I actually had this happen with my boyfriend (we're back together now, been dating a year and a half or so).

**_~Lovi~_ **

I always thought heartbreak was stupid and love was cheesy and that being alone was better. But now that I’ve experienced all three, my mind has been changed: my perceptions have done a complete one-eighty. Heartbreak _hurts_ , love is the only thing that doesn’t hurt and makes the trip of life worthwhile, and being alone with this feeling is hell.

I’ve been writing. I can’t write stories, but I’ve been writing songs. Depressed songs, love songs, trying to find some kind of ‘ _happy medium_ ’ where I can express how I’m feeling.

I still see him at school. But now it’s tense and awkward because there’s a class (Spanish) where we have assigned seats with each other because we’re both good at the language. People come to us for expertise.

I’m not sure which is worse: having a class with him, or never seeing him again. Either way it hurts. I can’t breathe past the bitter lump in my throat and I’m struggling to keep the tears at bay for the time I’m around him. I’ve never fallen apart so completely, and it honestly scares me a little. I hadn’t realized how much my life revolved around him until he just…wasn’t there anymore. At lunch, after school. He was always around…until I lost him, too.

It’s so fucking cheesy, but I’ve noticed the color’s been stolen from my world like paint spilling out of a can: slowly at first, then all at once. They say it’s how you fall in love, but it’s also how you crash and burn when you lose them.

Cheesy is the new normal. And I’m not talking the food, I’m talking those ridiculous clichés you laugh at until you’ve experienced them. I see him and I get butterflies in my stomach. I get goosebumps like I’m cold when I see him in the halls on accident. All the wind is knocked out of me as quickly as if I was punched when I see him smile. When he’s not happy, neither am I. And just because he’s not talking to me, not friends with me anymore…the color is gone. Everything is dull greys and browns and navy blue and black, nothing bright and cheerful.

He’s somehow become my whole world, and I’m terrified of losing him. But I’m also terrified of letting him so completely into my heart, mind, soul, and life. I’m messed up, I’m not ready for this kind of total commitment—and that’s the exact reason we’re not talking. I don’t let people in, and I rarely smile—and those two things are what he wants most from me.

It’s been a week since we parted ways, but it feels like a whole lifetime. I don’t know what to feel or what to say or what to think or what to do. I need some kind of release. I need to write something, _anything_ to make the pain go away.


	2. If He Hears It, Then Maybe…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feli talks Lovi into the open talent show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This includes abusive family members, homophobia, and transphobia, so...trigger warning.
> 
> Rights for actual song ("Let Her Go") goes to Passenger. For the purposes of the situation all female words have been made masculine ("let him go").

**_~Lovi~_ **

I got the song down on paper. It’s been nine days. Feli talked me into the open talent show, and I’m so nervous I can hardly breathe. But if he hears it, then maybe…

I managed to talk Gil into learning the drum part, and Francis into playing the guitar. Gil talked Matthew into playing the violin. That way I can focus on the words, on what I’m saying and who it’s meant for. We haven’t practiced together, not once. We’ve learnt it separately. But now that we know what we’re doing, it’ll all come together and work, I hope.

My hands are shaking as I pick up the microphone. I waited for them to get their instruments out first, so I’m the last on stage.

The lady at the front greets us with a smile. She’s there to judge this show, but she’s heard a lot of stupid jokes, seen terrible magic tricks, and heard squeaky singing voices. We’re the last to come on stage, and I’m probably the most nervous. But I’ve practiced this time and time again, and I’m not going to forget the words to my own song.

The judge leans into her mic. “Hello. What are your names?”

Gil grins and bows. “Gilbert Beilshmidt.”

Francis winks at the audience. “Francis Bonnefoy, but of course.”

Matthew coughs. “M-Matthew Williams.”

I try to breathe. “Lovino Vargas.”

My voice trembles slightly. My vision narrows until all I can see is Toni’s wide eyes and open mouth. “Good luck, boys,” the judge lady says sweetly.

I breathe again. “Thank you.”

She nods. All the light is gone from the room and I can’t see, but I manage to breathe enough I can maybe get through this and give Francis and Gil the cue to start playing.

Slowly, Francis starts to strum the guitar. The music fades in together slowly, and I close my eyes, remind myself of the lyrics, breathe, and start to sing.

“ _ Well, you only need the light when it’s burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love him when you let him go; only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low, only hate the road when you’re missing home, only know you love him when you let him go. And you let him go! _

 

_ Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you’ll make a dream last. But dreams come slow and they go so fast. You see him when you close your eyes; maybe one day you'll understand why. Everything you touch surely dies…but you only need the light when it’s burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.  Only know you love him when you let him go. …Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low. Only hate the road when you’re missing home. Only know you love him when you let him go. _

 

_ Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart. ’Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast…well, you see him when you fall asleep, but never to touch and never to keep, ’cause you loved him too much and you dived too deep. _

_ Well, you only need the light when it’s burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love him when you let him go. Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low, only hate the road when you're missing home, only know you love him when you let him go. _

_ And you let him go… Oh, oh, oh no. And you let him go. Oh, oh, oh no. Well, you let him go… _

_ ’Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love him when you let him go; only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low, only hate the road when you're missing home, only know you love him when you let him go. _

The music gets quieter and starts to fade out. “ _ ’Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love him when you let him go. _ ”

Now they stop playing. I open my eyes and look up shyly towards Toni. “ _ Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low; only hate the road when you’re missing home; only know you love him when you let him go.  _

_ And you let him go… _ ”

The audience is left in shocked silence, which means it was either awesome or terrible, and I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. There’s no inbetween with this kind of silence.

People leap to their feet and start to scream, breaking the silence. I flinch a little, but my eyes are watching Toni. He still sits down, and he looks so stunned. He’s not even processing what’s going on.

After a minute of the others screaming, Toni gets slowly to his feet and a smile breaks across his face. He starts to clap quietly, but he doesn’t scream. Even so, his appreciation is more than I could’ve hoped for.

I breathe again. My hands are trembling like earthquakes, but I’m still breathing. I’m alive. I’m alive.

Feli comes running up on stage, disregards the judge’s protest, and leaps on me. I catch him and wrap my arms tightly around him, hiding my face in his shoulder and curling my fingers into his jacket.

“That,” Feli says breathlessly, “was  _ awesome _ , Lovi.”

I manage a weak laugh. “I can’t breathe.”

“But you survived.”

“Barely, yes.”

The judge makes another noise of protest, even when Feli lets go. But before he can run, I reach out and take his hand tightly in one of mine and shake my head at him. “Stay.”

He hesitates, looks to the frustrated judge, looks to me, then looks to Gil. Gil shrugs at him, and Feli steps back to my side. “Okay.”

The judge’s frustration increases as the screaming increases in volume. My hand is white on my brother’s, and I’m just trying to keep myself breathing.

Gil moves from the drums to pat my shoulder awkwardly. “I…’ve never heard anyone sing that good. That was fucking amazing.”

I shift a little. “Thank you.”

“He has stage fright,” Feli tells him. “He’s still shaking.”

I hold up my free hand. It’s blurry from the vibrations.

“Jesus,” Gil mutters. He reaches out and lightly touches my hand. “Relax, man. You’re fucking good at this. Did you write that?”

I nod meekly. He grins. “Even better, asshole.”

“Ahem,” the judge attempts to rein the audience in.

Gil shifts his eyes to her, then clears his throat and calls out to the audience, “Hey, guys, shut up for a minute!”

Breathless silence falls. The judge smiles and turns back to us, then picks up her microphone so she can stand. “Boys.”

Her voice is breathless and awestruck. I tighten my grip on Feli’s hand.

“My goodness,” she laughs. “I don’t think there was really much competition. You should make a professional recording of that song.”

I duck my head shyly. Gil pats me on the back and says quietly, “She’s right, ya know.”

I glance at him and don’t answer. The judge runs her fingers through hair. “Did you write that?”

I hesitate, look to Toni, then lift the mic. “Yeah.”

I clear my throat and nod to Feli. “This is my little brother Feli. He’s the one who talked me into it; I have severe stage fright.”

The crowd cheers. Feli smiles shyly and leans in to speak into the mic. “I overheard him singing and told him it was good.”

“Well, you’re definitely not wrong,” she says, easy as breathing.

Feli blushes. So do I. Gil nods his agreement, as do Francis and Matthew.

I look again to Toni. He’s nodding, but once he realizes I’m looking he stops and blushes.

I look away again. The judge glances that way. “You keep looking over my shoulder. What are you looking at?”

I bite my lip shyly and cough once. “Uh…well, the person the song is written about is sitting over there. I’m kinda trying to see what he thinks of it.”

“Really?” she asks excitedly, pivoting to look.

Toni goes scarlet and sinks low in his seat as all eyes turn to him. Everybody knows him as the sweet bi kid, so the answer as to whom I’m looking to is obvious to them.

Feli laughs. “You wrote it about Toni?”

“Shhh,” I hush him. He giggles.

Gil’s eyes slowly turn to Toni. Understanding now fills his eyes. “Oh.”

Someone I don’t recognize sits next to Toni, laughing into his hands. He’s the only one not staring, and it makes me curious. I know that’s not Toni’s dad; I’ve met his dad before.

After a minute, the guy looks up, still laughing,— _ he has Toni’s eyes! _ —and shoves Toni a little. He says something to him, and Toni stumbles up to his feet. The crowd parts around him with ease, and he slides up on stage. The judge whirls back around to get a good look at him.

I let go of Feli’s hand, place the mic back on its stand, and take a step in Toni’s direction. Toni shakes his head at me. “You never—”

I lift a hand to stop him. “Don’t. I know. I’m sorry. I’m not good at this kinda thing.”

I sweep my arms wide in a gesture of vulnerability. “I love you, asshole.”

“Awww,” the crowd sighs contentedly.

Toni steps up and into my personal space. I resist the inclination to pull away, though I can’t keep myself from stiffening a little.

Toni’s a little hesitant now, far more than usual. His bounding confidence is gone, and in its place stands a stunned little kid.

There’s a moment of quiet. Toni glances over to the guy who’s still laughing into his hands, flips him off, then returns his eyes to me, reaches out, and wraps his arms around me.

Using his arms, he pulls me in until we’re actually touching. Then he uses the fingers of his right hand to tip my chin up, and his lips connect softly with mine.

The lump in my throat eases, my body relaxes against his, and my arms find their way to rest comfortably around him. My eyes blink closed, and one of my hands closes on a handful of his loose jacket.

The silence is broken by loud cheering. Toni pulls back from my lips, but his arms still rest around me. “I love you, too, idiot.”

I breathe again and rest my forehead against his chest. The cheering gets even louder, and I can hear Feli laughing. But I don’t care; the words have been said, and I feel like flying again.

Toni’s fingers very lightly massage my back, and his lips press to my temple. “Breathe.”

“I’m trying,” I tell him. “I have stage fright, and you’re  _ definitely  _ not making it any easier.”

“How am I making it—”

“You’re breathing.”

“What?”

“Also you don’t hate me.”

“Of course I don’t.”

“Also you kissed me.”

“… _ That _ ’s…a valid point.”

Feli laughs even harder. I don’t have to look to flip him off. “Shut up, idiota. Ti amo, anche.”

He giggles and runs down the stairs back to Ludwig. His laughter goes with him.

Toni finally pulls back. His arms slide from my back to rest on my shoulders and squeeze for a second, then he steals the mic and turns to the judge. “We’ve been friends for years and he never said he could sing. I’m just as blown away as you are, dear.”

He hands me the mic back and runs back into the crowd. Now I’m the one laughing.

The judge chuckles a little. “Congrats on your new boyfriend, I guess?”

I flash a shy smile. “Grazie.”

_ Sebastian’s going to flip his shit once he hears about this. _

Gil ruffles my hair. “I never woulda thought…hey, congrats, man.”

I offer him a weak smile. “Yeah…thanks.”

He smirks, then bows and turns to roll his drum set backstage again. Matthew hesitates, then runs after him. Francis smirks, blows a mock air-kiss, then winks and heads backstage.

I breathe and manage a shaky bow. The crowd explodes into cheers again, and a little bit of conversation.

I slip backstage, take a minute to breathe, then slide from the auditorium. It takes Toni a few minutes to track me down, and once he does he takes my hand and drags me off into the park. We just walk for awhile, but finally he flops down on the dirt and pulls me down next to him.

I shift a little shyly, moving my eyes up the path and picking at the tufts of grass.

He coughs. “I’ve known for awhile. But you’re not the most approachable with personal topics.”

“I recognize that,” I agree. “I’ve been trying to work on that.”

I shake my head. “I’ve known since a couple days after…a-after. The color was just gone. It’s stupid, but…sometimes clichés are true. But since I can’t do language very well—I’m not good with communication or whatever—it took me awhile to try and figure out how to get it down.”

“It took time to find the best way, you mean,” he laughs. “That was  _ awesome _ ! I mean, um, totally embarrassing, but  _ awesome _ .”

I laugh a little, then my eyes return to him. “The guy sitting next to you and laughing a ton. I don’t recognize him.”

“Oh,” he says. He grins. “Uh, that’s my big brother Matías. He’s on a business trip locally so he’s been spending his free time with me.”

“Oh.” I raise an eyebrow. “You never said you have brothers.”

He blushes. “Uh…yeah. I have three. Jesús is a priest so we don’t really get along, and Andrés and Matías are usually too busy to visit or talk to me.”

He hesitates, then mutters, “I guess neither of us really talked about family, did we?”

I shake my head. “I know your dad’s here with you and he’s a cop, and that’s about it. I haven’t talked much either. I generally don’t talk about anything personal.”

“You’re also not usually smiling or laughing and you are now,” he points out. “We can change.”

“Yeah,” I agree quietly. “And honestly probably should. I just—I’m a depressed asshole. It’s harder for me to be happy than it is for you.”

“You never said you were d—”

“I know,” I cut him off. “I’m trying to be more honest.”

“Oh.” He smiles now, and I can breathe again. “Good.”

I sigh and scoot over, dropping my head on his shoulder. “I missed you.”

Toni laughs shakily. “I know. I missed you, too.”

Toni’s arm wraps around my shoulder, and his head tips over on top of mine. “Should we start over? Or just pick up where we left off?”

“Pick up where we left off,” I say. “There’s still a lot we haven’t talked about. There’s no need to start over.”

“’Kay,” he says. His grip tightens and he breathes. “Well, if we’re gonna start talking about personal things…”

He sighs. “I’m not actually as okay as I act like I am. My mom’s a conversion therapist and she hates me and Jesús hates me and I miss them like crazy. But I can’t do anything to stop it because I’m not good enough for them. And then Andrés and Matías are always busy, so it’s not like I can complain to them. They still talk to Mamá y Jesús, but they’re also working all the time.”

He shifts uneasily. “I don’t tend to talk about family because it still hurts.”

“I don’t talk about my family because they’re assholes,” I tell him. “Especially my grandfather on my mom’s side, my parents, one of my cousins, and my aunt Maria.”

Toni blinks and looks over at me. “That’s very specific.”

“They’re abusive,” I deadpan. “And not just physically.”

Toni tilts his head thoughtfully. “Why don’t they like you?”

“Because I’m gay and transgender,” I answer honestly.

Toni swallows, shakes his head a bit, and his eyes twitch narrowed. “That’s not a good enough reason.”

I look away. “That’s up to you to decide, not me.”

Toni tightens his grip and sighs exasperatedly. “Lovi, sweetheart, don’t be so dismissive over that. I know you don’t think all that highly of yourself, but they don’t have the right to hurt you because of who or what you are.”

I shut my eyes and curl up against him. “Whatever.”


	3. Hermano (Mayor) Matías y Amor Lovi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni is at home texting Lovi. Matías comes home, and Toni has a question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Spanish; translates to 'big brother Matías and love(r) Lovi'.
> 
> The 20-second hug rule mentioned is an actual thing. My mom told me about it.

**_~Toni~_ **

Lovi is now at home. I’m on the couch texting him random things, just for the pleasure of watching him type back an answer. I feel like I’m soaring now, because  _ he loves me back. _ And he’s being honest with me now—even if it’s hard—which is also wonderful.

Matías returns home with stealth. He sneaks into his room, drops his stuff, and sneaks back out. It’s been two days since Lovi sang on stage, and Matí is still around somehow. I’m beginning to wonder if he  _ is  _ going to leave or not.

Matí pops into the living room and drops a hand on my shoulder. “Whatcha readin’, hermano?”

I jump a little, then get up and turn. Matí is smirking like he knows who he caught me texting.

Matí smiles and raises an eyebrow. “That was fast.”

I move around the couch towards him. I have to ask without sounding like I want him to.

I soften my voice and look away. “Are you gonna leave again?”

Matías blinks a few times. His eyes soften. “If this case goes well, in a couple days. If not, in about a week or two.”

I rock back and forth on indecisive feet. “Um.”

Matías lowers his head a little to try and get a better look at me in the dimly lit room. “Toni, you know this.”

I look away again, then follow my classic pattern that I always followed when I was upset: I run into my room and bury myself under the blankets. I text Lovi saying I’ll text him more later, seeing as Matías is home and I wanna talk to him. He says that’s cool.

I set my phone on the nightstand and hide. Matías naturally follows me into the room, and he sits down next to me like he always did. “Hermanito,” he says softly. “You know I have work. We’ve been through this before.”

I don’t respond. Just by me taking this route, he knows I don’t want him to leave. I know he has work, he’s right about that. But I want him here.

Matías scoops me gently from the blankets and wraps his arms around me. “Toni…”

I don’t like being vulnerable or reducing myself to this state—but instead of hiding my frustration, I curl up against him and shut my eyes, and I start crying. “I know,” I say. “It’s not that I don’t know, it’s just—I’ve missed this. I just got used to having you around.”

Matías looks actually surprised. He blinks a few times, then his eyes go from wide back to normal. He pulls me a little closer, and he sighs. “Hermanito…”

“I know you can’t just quit,” I stop him before he starts. “I don’t want you to get in trouble or anything, I just—I don’t—I—”

My voice breaks. I cut myself off and hide again. Matías hugs me, and now I can see the gears of immense perceptive intelligence beginning to turn behind his eyes. He’s starting to plan.

“I just—” he sighs. “I’ll see what I can do. Okay?”

“Okay.”

He tightens his grip. I don’t force myself to stop crying; instead, I just cry until my tear-ducts dry and I actually feel sort of okay. This is our thing, the thing we’ve done most of my life; he waits me out patiently, and once I’m okay again he pulls back.

“You okay?” he asks. “You’re not usually…”

He drifts off. I breathe and look away. “They keep telling me that since I’m a teenager, I’m not allowed to cry or scream or anything to do with emotion because that’s childish and I’m almost an adult. I keep pretending I’m okay when I’m not because if I express that I’m upset, they get mad and they yell at me.”

I shrug a little. “It’s been building up for awhile.”

Matías rolls his eyes. “I’m almost  _ thirty _ and I have my days, hermanito. Don’t let them get to you. You’re only human, and you’re going to have emotions. It’s just another part of life. They’re wrong.”

I close my eyes, but this time is far more peaceful. “See,  _ that’s _ why I want you around. Dad’s almost never home, Andrés is  _ always _ busy, Jesús doesn’t like me and won’t talk to me, Mamá hates me, and I don’t talk to anyone else. No one takes the time to pay attention to me and talk to me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I need you, but it’s a lot easier with you around. Life’s easier.”

I open my eyes. “Speaking of which: Lovi noticed you. He’s met our dad so he knew that wasn’t him, but he asked who you were. He expressed some interest. He’s only met me and Dad.”

“I’m curious,” he says. “You seem to like him.”

I shake my head. “Naw, I was in love with him for the longest time but he’s oblivious—or he’s scared, I don’t know which. He doesn’t like to get attached, and he’s scared of talking about personal topics. That was the first time he ever expressed any kind of personal thing or emotion to me. Plus the fact that he said he’s in love with me—that was when he threw his arms out like Jesus on the cross—and I’ve been trying so damn hard to win him over. I finally won.”

“So it was him you were talking to earlier?”

“Yeah. He’s one of the people you can tell anything to and he’ll keep it to himself unless you ask him to tell.”

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah,” I agree quietly. “He’s depressed, though. I want to help him but I don’t know how. He called himself a ‘ _ depressed asshole _ ’ recently. I knew he didn’t have much self-esteem—if any—before that, but…I don’t know. He needs help—and not a therapist because that didn’t help him last time they tried.”

“Do you know the twenty-second hug rule?”

“What?” I ask blankly.

“I’ll take that as a no,” he laughs. “Science proves that if you hug someone for twenty seconds or longer, their brain gives off endorphins, which naturally boosts their mood. If you’re ever worried all you have to do is hug him for a minute or two.”

“Oh.”

“Hence this,” he says, nodding to his arms where they rest around me. “Have you ever noticed that if someone starts crying, I always hug them? That’s why. It makes you happier.”

A weak smile breaks through the tension. “That’s cool.”

“That’s science at work,” he says, but his serious tone has lightened up.

“I love you,” I remind him.

“I know,” he agrees softly. “I love you, too, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni is a sweet smol bean. He actually is upset over Matías having to leave.


	4. I Think I Have A Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni misses his family. Lovi misses his, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor trigger warning: Lovi is depressed. It's mentioned that he may be borderline suicidal. This will come up in more detail (and why he's like that) in the next chapter.

**_~Lovi~_ **

Toni has so many memories of his brothers, both good and mediocre, and he misses them so much. He even starts crying at one point, and I catch it on video (he doesn’t notice anything) so I can maybe use it to talk his brothers and mom ’round. “I miss them so much it hurts,” he says through the tears, “but it’s impossible to talk them around or even talk to them anymore because they hate me and they hate who I am. I wish it was easier. Los extraño.”

Once he’s done talking I stop the recording and draw him in like he did with me on stage. “I know the feeling.”

He curls up for awhile. About half an hour later, he’s his normal peppy self. I catch that on video, too. “It’s been so nice having Matías around,” he says with a smile and a brief laugh. “It’s been too long since I was able to just talk to him when I needed someone.”

Than he gets quiet, and tears spring to his eyes again. “I don’t want him to go. I mean, I know he has to because of work and all and he can’t just stick around, but I don’t want him to. I want my brother. I want _all_ my brothers, and my mom and dad, but that’s not feasible because Mamá y Jesús hate me and Andrés y Matías have jobs and lives and Dad has an important job as a cop. I know it’s selfish, but I want them around. I want to be able to always have someone I can talk to, someone who has time for me and my stupid shit. I want my family back. I want my life back.”

“That’s not selfish, sweetheart,” I tell him after turning the camera off and pocketing my phone. “That’s perfectly reasonable.”

He barks a bitter laugh. “Sure.”

“Toni,” I say softly, “this is coming from the kid who lives for his little brother and his friends. Wanting someone to vent to, especially someone who loves you and will listen, isn’t too much to ask. Trust me: I’ve said something similar, and that’s the answer Sebastian gave me. He’s the most humble little shit I know, and he said it’s not selfish. Don’t dismiss it because you think it’s stupid, because it’s _not_ stupid. Matías would probably tell you the exact same thing.”

“What about living for yourself?” he asks sweetly.

I cough, and I sort of laugh. “Sweetheart, I already told you this: I’m depressed. If it weren’t for the people I care about wanting me around, I’d already be long gone.”

He’s quiet for a minute, then he sighs. “That’s fucking depressing. If I could I’d fix it.”

“My parents and all the rest of my family are in Italy and my older brother is in New York,” I remind him. “Feli, for the last seven years, has been the only reason I’m alive. There’s now one other reason, and I’m looking right at him.”

He draws me into his lap and kisses my cheek. “Were you and your parents close?”

“My dad and I used to be. Mom called Sebastian a mistake and made him sad, so we never really got along. He’s a miracle, if anything.”

“My dad and I used to be close,” he says, “but he’s gotten wrapped up in work lately and we haven’t been talking.”

“At least he’s here and you know he doesn’t hate you,” I point out. “That’s more than I can say for my dad.”

“True,” he agrees, and he turns his eyes wistfully into the distance. “It didn’t used to be like this.”

“Did anything used to be exactly as it was?”

Toni makes a general sound of agreement and clears his throat. “I guess not.”

I yawn. “It’s not like there’s anything I can do about it, because he was raised on homophobia and transphobia by his parents and my mom’s parents and I embody everything they hate and fear.”

“How can you say that so calmly?” he asks, and he sounds sort of concerned.

I raise an eyebrow. “Should I not be able to?”

All it takes is a blank look from him for me to realize. “Oh, right, you’re the emotional one. I learned how to turn off my emotions like a switch. At least when it comes to that, and them. I can’t do that with you or my brothers, but I can shut off all the hope and longing and love and frustration and depression like a light switch. I can basically stop caring. It’s been seven years, and Dad knows where we are. No visits, no phone calls, no letters…he’s given us nothing. We ceased to exist in their world, so they ceased to matter in mine. It’s easy to forget most people can’t do that. I’m gonna guess you can’t, because that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you cry.”

Toni gives me a look that tells me he’s still worried, but he pretends to get it. “Okay.”

I reach up and kiss his cheek. “If the parent you got close to had told you you were going to Hell for who you are and that you should just stay what you’re not to fit their twisted standards—stay a girl to be straight, as if that’s how it works—you would have learned the same thing.”

Toni wraps his arms around me and curls up in my lap again. “That’s fucked up. And sad.”

“Sure, whatever. I’ve lost the will to care. I’m broken enough on my own, what with Hayden and Feli and all the other shit. I don’t have to worry about him, too.”

Toni looks up. “Who’s Hayden?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovi is actually going to go to Spain and talk to the brothers & mom. It'll make him feel better.
> 
> I purposely left this one hanging. I was going to write more for this chapter and decided to stop it at a cliffhanger. This is the last one written (as of 4/20), so it'll be a few days before I publish another.


	5. Hayden Fisher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni is really f*cking mad about Hayden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mega trigger warning: backstory involved rape, physical abuse, failed friendship.

**_~Toni~_ **

Lovi spilled about Hayden (his full name is Hayden Fisher, and he goes to our school).

I’ve never been so mad in my life; Hayden used to be Lovi’s friend until he found out Lovi was gay, then he turned on him, beat him half to death a bunch of times, found out he was trans “on accident,” (by situational coincidence,) and he still doesn’t leave him alone.

This explains so much about how he’s acted around me, but it also makes me really really mad. I have to tell Dad, even if I have to interrupt his work to do it. It’s work-related and it’ll save Lovi a lot more problems in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter involves Lovi meeting Matías.


End file.
